More Than Life Itself
by nefertiri-oconnell
Summary: Kathryn left, Chakotay gave up, what's left? After Endgame-sorry about the formating if it's too bad i'll try and repost. please review. xxx


Notes: Paramount own people, I own the story. The song lyrics are from Kelly Osbourne, BLUE and FIVE. Please review, it'll be very much appreciated.  
  
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.  
  
#You never said you were perfect. But you always are to me. Loving you is always worth it. 'Cause you see so much in me.#  
The celebrations were over, all crew including the Maquis and the Equinox had been pardoned, the only person left was Kathryn Janeway. She was still being debriefed at Starfleet Headquarters. Today was supposed to be last day of her debrief. The whole crew had turned up outside the building to welcome her back into the family. The press had turned up too. Each vying to get a shot of the legendary Captain Janeway.  
  
Chakotay stood at the front of the crowd. He had decided to decline a career in Starfleet and to tell Kathryn that he loved her, more than anything he wanted to be with her. Him and Seven had talked and decided it was for the best. Seven had told him that the main reason she had chosen him as a mate was because she had seen his affections for the Captain and believed that by becoming more like her Chakotay would turn those feelings towards her. He was extremely flattered even though it meant that Seven didn't really have any real feelings for him. It really wasn't that a big a deal, just more a blow to his ego.  
  
He only hoped that Kathryn would forgive him. He had hurt her. He knew it the minute he had seen her alone on the bridge the day the ship flew into the Alpha Quadrant. But he was going to convince her that he was sorry and that they belonged together. He didn't know how, he just knew he had too do something and today was going to be that day.  
  
The doors to the building swished open and Admiral's Nechayev and Hayes walked out. The crowd went silent and looked for the Captain. She wasn't with them. The Admirals walked toward the podium set up for the press conference. All eyes were turned to them. Admiral Nechayev addressed the crowd, she had a smile on her face, and it seemed to Chakotay to seem quite smug. He had sinking feeling in his gut. Something wasn't quite right.  
  
"Thank you all for coming. Kathryn Janeway has been cleared of all charges relating to the Delta Quadrant."  
  
'Charges!' Chakotay thought. 'Since when were there charges?'.  
  
"However due to the unexpected turnout here today Kathryn Janeway has already been transported to another location of her preference. I'm sure she is extremely touched by this show of affection. Thank you again."  
  
That was it, the Admirals walked back into the building. It was a blatant dismissal. Chakotay and everyone else there, stood still, stunned. Kathryn had left without so much of a goodbye. This was not what they had expected.  
Did you know that I get lonely? At the thought of you not being here. Can you see that you're the only? One who never disappears?  
"It has been two weeks since Kathryn Janeway left Starfleet Headquarters and still no sign of the elusive Captain. Chakotay, the former First Officer, and Maquis has been searching since her sudden departure. We will keep you updated with any progress in this ongoing investigation."  
  
Chakotay switched off the holoset and looked out the window of his hotel room. The press was camped outside, waiting for his next move. He had searched everywhere he could think off. Nothing. It seemed that Kathryn had disappeared. She didn't want to be found. Chakotay didn't want to give up but he was leaving for Dorvan 5 that day. There were still a lot of repairs needed at the colony and he wanted to be there. Having resigned from Starfleet Chakotay found himself at a loss for what to do, so when he heard about the project on Dorvan he knew that that was where he needed to be. He had hoped to be taking Kathryn one day but it didn't seem like it was to be. His heart ached every time he thought of her but he couldn't face the press anymore; he needed to get away.  
  
Before he left he was going to go to Kathryn's mothers home, one last attempt to find her. If he couldn't find her there, he would leave a letter. If Kathryn ever read it she would know exactly what his feelings were. It wasn't as good as face to face but it was better than nothing. He was sure that Kathryn's mother knew where she was but, probably on Kathryn's word, she was not disclosing her whereabouts. He had to do it now before he backed out and left for Dorvan forever.  
I love I love I love you. And I don't care if it sounds trite. I'll say it over and over. It makes me feel alive.  
There was a knock at the door. Gretchen sighed; it was probably another reporter. She stormed to the door; all ready to give him a piece of her mind, but when she opened the door it was a very familiar face.  
  
"Chakotay." This man had come to her door many times before and each time she told him the same thing, Kathryn wasn't here and she didn't know where she was.  
  
"Hello Mrs Janeway. I just wanted to come by one last time before I leave. I'm going to Dorvan 5 to help with the reconstruction and I was wondering if you had heard anything from Kathryn."  
  
Gretchen's heart broke looking into this mans face. It was obvious of the love that he held for her daughter. She hated doing this to him.  
  
"I'm so sorry, I've not heard anything." His face fell and Gretchen could see the tears threatening to fall.  
  
"Okay, thank you. I'm sorry to waste your time again." He paused for a second. "Would you please give this to Kathryn if you see her?" He thrust a PADD into her hand and with one last look he turned and walked back down the path.  
  
Gretchen shut the door and walked into the kitchen.  
  
"He's leaving?!" Gretchen turned to the voice in the doorway. She looked at the ashen face of her eldest daughter. It was a mirror for the look she had seen in Chakotays face. Despair was the only way to describe it. She hadn't realised that Kathryn had been listening.  
  
"Yes Kathryn."  
  
"Oh God!" Kathryn collapsed on the floor. "I really have lost him haven't I?"  
  
"He left this for you." Gretchen handed Kathryn the PADD. Gretchen went to leave, to give Kathryn some privacy.  
  
"No mum, please stay." Gretchen looked into her daughter's eyes. Her Kathryn was scared. She nodded.  
  
"Okay honey, I'll be here." Kathryn nodded and stared at the PADD in her hand. Gretchen could see her hand shaking. She hoped that whatever was in that PADD wasn't bad. Her daughter couldn't take anymore.  
  
Kathryn was afraid of what was enclosed. Was it news about him Seven, could he be saying that he never wanted to hear from her again? She couldn't sit there wondering she had to read it. Silently she activated the PADD.  
Dear Kathryn,  
  
To start it off, I know you know me. That's why I'm here, writing this letter, to tell the truth, you know I've been hurting all along.  
  
When we met I didn't want to face the truth, you said you had a man and you were so in love with him, and no one else. I love your honesty. I know I can't have you, and I can't live without you, but I guess I can't have it my way. The only reason my heart is still beating is because of the love I'm feeling for you. You make me wanna call you in the middle of the night.  
  
You're first and last thing on my mind. To come to think of it, it was only last week, that I had a dream about us. You make me wanna hold you till the morning light. Every time you see me what do you see, I feel like I'm the poor man and you're the queen. I know that these feelings won't end now, they'll just get stronger if I see you again. I'm tired of being friends. You're an angel in my eyes; everyday you're closer to me. You make me wanna surrender my soul. I know this is feeling I just can't fight. Sometimes love works in mysterious ways, one day I wake up and your gone without a trace.  
  
I know I'll be reaching out to touch you in the night. Holding on to the memories because you're not here to hold me. What have I gotta do to make you love me? What have I gotta do to make you care? All I wanna do is hold you tight.  
  
They say that what you never had you never miss, so tell why I never had a love like this?  
  
I wanna know if you feel the same, and do you feel my pain. Don't leave me in doubt. Would you object if I called you mine?  
  
Love always Chakotay.  
Kathryn stared at the PADD. She was shocked, that much was evident. Gretchen looked at her daughter. Never before had she looked so vulnerable. The mighty Captain of Voyager had tears in her eyes and those tears soon turned into uncontrollable sobs. Whatever was in that letter had certainly had an effect on her little Katie.  
  
She was in doubt whether Kathryn would want comfort, would she clam up and pretend that nothing had happened. Runaway and hide her feelings. Gretchen's maternal instincts won. She couldn't bear to just stand there and do nothing.  
  
Gretchen kneeled on the floor next to her daughter. Kathryn looked up at her mother, and silently handed her the PADD. As Gretchen read the contents she too could feel herself welling up. This man must love her Katie so much. Together mother and daughter kneeled on the floor in each other's arms as Kathryn let out all that she had been holding in for seven years.  
You gave me all my fire. By watching you live by what you believed. So many things you taught me. I always knew that you, you could still see the best in me.  
B'Elanna watched her friend strain to chop another log into the right shape. She was worried about him. Chakotay was never one to hide from problems but from is efforts here it was clear he was hiding. He was just finishing building his fifth structure in as many weeks but the work was taking a toll on him. He barely slept and she was worried that he was going to burn out soon.  
  
"Hey honey, how's he doing?" B'Elanna turned into her husband's arms.  
  
"I don't know Tom? I'm worried about him. I..uh..I need to do something." Tom lifted his wife's chin up to look him in the eye.  
  
"I know you do, but we can't do anything, there's only one person who can and she's no where to be found."  
  
"Damn her, how could she do this to him? After seven years!"  
  
"Hey, calm down. She wasn't the one who had a liason with our blonde Borg! Imagine how she must have felt. Seven years of waiting, longing and then your world coming apart just as you get home. It's got to hurt."  
  
"How is it that you always knew exactly what was going on with those two?"  
  
"Just old fashioned observation." He bent down and gave her a kiss on the forehead.  
  
"Hey where's the baby?" Tom smiled and stepped back a couple of steps.  
  
"She's with Ayala... I figured mama could use some TLC."  
  
"Nice recovery flyboy. Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that its nearly nappy change time?"  
  
"Is it really, look how time flies! Come on, I've made dinner."  
  
"I'll be right there." B'Elanna took one last look at Chakotay before turning round and following her husband into the house.  
  
Chakotay turned and watch his two friends go into there hut. He was aware of their scrutiny but chose to ignore it. What he didn't need right now was sympathy; it was his fault he was in this mess. He should have to live with the pain. What he did to Kathryn was unforgivable. He drove her away and now he would never see her again.  
  
Chakotay put down the tool he was using and reached up to remove his shirt. He had forgotten how hot it got in this part of the planet. He crouched onto his knees and took a long swig from his water carrier. It was nearly empty; he would have to go back to his hut and re fill. Chakotay stood up, grabbed his shirt and headed for the village.  
  
As he was heading back for the village a young boy ran toward him. He recognised him as the son of one of the original inhabitants of the planet before the destruction.  
  
"Chakotay, there was a woman here for you, a white woman. She left you a letter. It's in your hut."  
  
Chakotay was confused; the only white women on the planet were the ones who had come to help with the reconstruction. Why would they leave him a letter?  
  
"Thank you." The boy nodded and ran past Chakotay. Chakotay picked up the pace. This letter intrigued him. He got back to his hut and sure enough there was the PADD on is bed. He sat down and activated it.  
Chakotay  
  
How did time disappear so fast? The better the days that I can't forget. Every night as I lay in my bed I hear your voice going round in my mind, and all those things I could have said and done. Every time I see your face I miss you. I can't forget you; you're driving me crazy. Constantly you're on my mind. I never thought I would feel this way. Life doesn't mean anything when you're alone. Nobody's there when I call your name. Nights are cold knowing your not sleeping on the other side of the wall. Everyday I sit and reminisce about the days on Voyager and how it used be when it was just you and me. I think about you all of the time. Even though words are hard to say. I miss you. You know how I'm feeling. It's you I believe in. I need you. But if I could I'd make you see that I'm sorry and I need you here with me would you forgive me? There are things that I regret. You were there for me, and I was there for you. I will really make it up to you. I know now what I've got to do. It took time but now I realise how much I'm missing. I love you.  
  
Kathryn  
Chakotay didn't know what to think. Kathryn, she must have been here. Chakotay jumped up and ran out of the hut PADD in hand. He ran out of the village. If she came she must have arrived on a shuttle; they didn't have transporter technology yet. He reached the landing site just in time to see her about to board a shuttle. It was definitely her. The red hair gave her away.  
  
"KATHRYN!" She turned round and looked him in the eye. Even from a distance he could see uncertainty. He walked toward her.  
  
Kathryn was memorised by him. His body gleaming with seat, dirty and scruffy, it took her breath away. He looked every inch the bad boy. She held back a sigh. Was she ready for this, she spied the PADD in his hand, he must have read it. On her way here she had practised what she would say if she saw him, eventually she had written it down, the end result was what he held in his hand. When he wasn't in his hut she had seen it as a sign and fled, she left it as a letter for him to read. She hadn't banked on him finding it so quickly. Now he was here, she didn't now what to do, two steps back and she could be on the shuttle back to earth, to safety and to a life of misery. No she decided, I have to stay. She took a deep breath and walked forward to meet him.  
No one loves me like you do. Unconditional and true. You're the shoulder that I've always known. And the hand that says I'm not alone. More than myself. I love you more than life itself. 


End file.
